“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.”
Soren Kierkegaard
I get it. Human nature being what it is, and what it is too often means being needlessly shitty to our fellows. It’s no surprise that the “Internet” denizens are in a tizzy over former New England Patriots football coach Bill Belichick dating a significantly younger woman. That’s what our species does: snark, snigger, and scold regarding personal matters that are none of our damn business.
This situation exposes both prurient and puerile aspects of human nature, as is always the case when people wag their tongues and fingers at an atypical relationship. Too many folks can’t bear to see someone else happy, and if that happiness involves an easily attackable issue (e.g., age difference), then they’re going to take advantage of it. Ultimately, to the attackers’ own detriment.
Some of these naysayers smokescreen their disparagement with supposed concern that these atypical relationships are “more likely to fail” when compared with more conventional ones. “So damn what!” I say. This ignores the fact that more conventional ones fail also. Lots of them. People the same age get divorced or end up miserable. The same is true with couples who seem to have a lot in common or share common interests. Perfect couples are most certainly not.
What the naysayers fail to realize is that giving couples a chance at a measure of happiness is all that matters, not the Las Vegas odds of ultimate failure. Let me repeat: The issue is not whether they fail, but whether they’re given a chance to succeed. We should wish these pairings well, not tear them down or wish them ill, as if schadenfreude is somehow cleansing to one’s soul.
But too many humans can’t stand by and allow others the chance at happiness. Age difference is one of many excuses that people use to insist that relationships not be afforded the opportunity to blossom in the first place. Race, religion, class, caste, education level, socioeconomic status are other weapons rolled out when needed to discourage—or outright sabotage—someone else’s romance or chance of romance. Reasons why love was thwarted, both petty and profound, love never given the chance to either blossom or fail. That is the real tragedy. Not that Bill Belichick is dating a younger woman.
I don’t expect people to behave otherwise. Gossipy fishwives are found a thousand miles from the sea. But their poisonous emanations regarding others are often manifestations of their own frustrations and failures regarding romance, not out of genuine “concern” for the well-being or propriety of others. One former football player said he was “disgusted” by the relationship. Really? They are both adults. Say Mr. Belichick and his girlfriend are happy and care for each other, they enjoy each other’s company. How is that by any definition “disgusting.” What is disgusting is the mindless disparagement itself.
It is regrettable that people don’t see the grave risk such negativity poses to themselves if it prevents their own hearts from the possibility of love and caring for another human being. We have no way of truly knowing that two people aren’t good for each other until they are given (and give themselves) the opportunity to find out. There is nothing special about Bill Belichick’s situation except the collective snark made that much worse by the infernal Internet, which gives gossipy fishwives nuclear capability.
I think it’s wonderful if two people love each other. What is love? Love is sung and written about, and has been for thousands of years, yet so many fail at it. Perhaps a workable definition would help matters. I’ll give you a cheatsheet that may help.
Love is…
- Wanting to hold the other person’s hand as much as the other person wants to hold yours.
- Wanting to be with each other not just for the good times, but wanting to be with each other to face the inevitable bad times together, and the love is strengthened by these challenges.
- Wanting to do things to be with the person rather than with the person in order to do things.
- As happy sitting next to the person on the rickety porch of a tarpaper shack as you would be sitting next to the person on the balcony of a luxury suite on a cruise ship.
You’ll notice the above has nothing to do with age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, education level, or job status. Because in the end these are irrelevant. If two people enjoy each other’s company, make each other happy, and care about each other, what other people think is profoundly irrelevant.
The tragedy is not the relationship, but other people’s reaction to it and how this reaction exposes their own barrenness. Mocking, discouraging, or destroying someone else’s chance at happiness is likely to destroy one’s own chances.
Let Bill Belichick and his girlfriend be—and your own heart open to possibilities.
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