How to spot a Wokester: The Long Duk Dong Test

“Puritanism—the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.”

—H.L. Mencken

This test is infallible.  It is also the world’s most unnecessary test.  It’s unnecessary because rational people know Woke when we see it and with a spectacularly high level of accuracy. Some folks get tongue-tied when asked to formally “define” Woke. That’s okay. It doesn’t require a Ph.D. thesis in order to know you’ve come across a Woke person or his malevolent handiwork.     

What is far more important and—and unfortunately, far more unlikely—is that the Woke engage in some long-overdue self-reflection in order to realized they are insufferable fools who are causing tremendous harm. But first they must realize they are Woke. This test is more for them, should they decide to pull their heads out of their keisters and join the rest of polite (and often impolite) society living our imperfect lives grounded in reality and practicality.     

The basis for the test is the fact that the Woke are invariably humorless pricks who want everyone else to be just as miserable as they are. This is true of all fascists—and the Woke are bigtime fascists as evident by their obsession with censorship. They don’t want anyone to have access to or (heaven forbid) enjoy something they deem offensive—or even debate it. Especially, debate it. This includes things they are not forced to partake of, such as movies, television shows, speeches, comedy shows, books, or other forms of expression. Changing the channel on a television isn’t good enough for the Woke. Neither is not buying a movie ticket or book. They are the modern Puritans armed with technology that affords them reach, intrusiveness, and speed unimagined by their equally prudish forebears. And they intend to use it, mercilessly so.       

Long Duk Dong (played by Gedde Watanabe) from the movie Sixteen Candles is one of the greatest characters in movie history. If you disagree or don’t like the movie, that’s okay. But—and it’s a big-assed but—if you believe Long Duk Dong is an “offensive stereotype,” willfully ignorant of the fact that White characters are regularly stereotyped or made to look like buffoons or evildoers, then you’re Woke. Whether it’s a “stereotype” is irrelevant. Whether it’s “offensive” is irrelevant. Whether it’s “racist” is irrelevant. A movie should be made the way its creators want to make it, smug scolds be damned. Moviegoers can then decide to see it or not. Sure, free speech allows a Woke person to whine about it. Free speech does not allow him to prevent its creation or others from watching it.

Here is a fool-proof test to tell if you’re a Woke person…    

You are WOKE if the Long Duk Dong character from the movie Sixten Candles results in any of the following:   

• You find it offensive.
• You consider it a harmful stereotype.
• You consider it racist.
• You’re upset that a Japanese actor played a Chinese character.
• You don’t want the movie shown or available for purchase or download.
• You want it edited to your satisfaction (i.e., cutting out all the good parts).
• You want anyone who publicly likes the character to be subjected to untoward consequences.
• You’d protest its showing at a theater or you buy a ticket to disrupt the showing.
• Failing in the above, you want a trigger warning at the start of the movie.
• Failing in the above, you want a safe space created for the traumatized who can’t bear the movie’s continued existence.

It’s a certainty that if you are offended by the Long Duk Dong character, you also believe the following asshattery:

• Illegal aliens should be able to vote.
• Immigration laws and their enforcement are racist.  (The über-Woke believe borders themselves are racist.)
• Misgendering should result in personal destruction and/or criminal sanctions. (Misgendering in this case means using accurately gendered language in reference to someone who is gender-confused. For example, referring to über-tool Dylan Mulvaney with he/him/his pronouns is accurate because he is a male, but the Woke consider this hateful, even violent, and insist he be referred to with she/her/hers pronouns or any made-up ones he wants. The Woke embrace the pronoun game out of conviction rather than fear or woefully misguided empathy. They love to state their pronouns—with menace behind the phony smiles—and insist others do likewise.)
• Words or opinions you don’t like are violence or hate speech.
• Every untoward occurrence is the result of manmade climate change. (Do not expect the Woke to behave as if they personally believe it, as they often have larger carbon footprints than global warming skeptics. And they oppose nuclear power. This combination is extinction level stupidity.) 
• It’s racist for the police to stop riots, looting, or shoplifting—if the perpetrators are non-White. (This is often accompanied by mindlessly spouting “black lives matter” when one’s own actions, e.g., defund the police, disproportionately harms black communities.)
• It’s okay for minors to cut off healthy dicks and breasts, even if it’s against the parents’ wishes—especially, if it’s against the parents’ wishes. (The Woke believe mutilating surgeries, wrong-sex hormones, and chemical sterilizing agents are healthcare and suicide prevention. The Woke are the modern-day Dr. Mengeles, lobotomizers, and Tuskegee syphilis experimenters.)
• Transwomen are real women. (This retardation is often amped up by claiming transwomen can menstruate, get pregnant, lactate, etc.)
• A person’s “identity” defines everything about him or her. (And, boy, do they get irate if it doesn’t. God help the conservative black or Hispanic person.)
• Segregation is fine and dandy: schools, classrooms, dorms, graduation ceremonies. (The Woke make Bull Connor look quaint by comparison.)

If you have any one of these traits—and it’s unusual for a person with one not to have the others —you are a fascist moron who is the actual existential threat to your fellow human beings. You’re also no fun to be around.

Being offended by things you aren’t forced to endure is extreme wussiness—and the Woke are willing to burn calories being a douche about it. My advice to the Wokesters: Grow up, get a sense of perspective on reality, and stop being a humorless asshat.  In other word, stop with the extinction level stupidity.